it freezes like carbon
by theangelofpizza
Summary: When Dean does something stupid, Castiel takes his leave, and he realises that he's been in love with Cas all this time. Dean/Cas.


**Warnings:** Not beta'd, OOCness, grammatical and typographical errors, inconsistent tenses

**Tumblr: ** theangelofpizza. tumblr post/87463002458/ it-freezes-like-carbon

**AO3:** archiveofourown works/1755861

* * *

The first thing Dean thinks upon drinking the coffee is that _this is not how he makes it_. He couldn't replicate how Cas does the coffee for him, nor could his new assistant Lisa could, but he had no choice. Cas left without a word, only placing a resignation letter on the top of his desk a day after that night.

_That night_, Dean thinks. He was so stupid. He was so damn stupid, and it wasn't for the right reasons.

"Mr Winchester?" he heard Lisa call. _It wasn't his voice. It was too formal, and it wasn't just 'Dean'._

"Yes?" he said, raising his eyes from the resignation letter on his desk. It's been a month, but he hasn't thrown it away yet. He couldn't bring himself to do so.

"Mr Singer said that the clients have arrived," she said.

"Okay. I'll be there in a minute."

* * *

On their way to the conference room, Lisa rattles off about his schedule for the day, and the only thing that Dean can think is that he's not used to hear the clanking of heels beside him.

* * *

Lunch arrives, and so does Lisa with their food.

"The cook told me what you usually want, so that's what I got," she said, and handed him a double bacon cheeseburger. She doesn't know that Cas has been swearing him off from cholesterol during the weekdays for 'healthier living'.

"Thanks," he said.

Lisa smiles back. Her lips are painted with red. Cas' lips need the constant aid of lip balm. The smile reaches her eyes, but they're not blue. The corners don't crinkle as much as Cas' does.

"You should have told me that you usually got your food there," she said.

"That wasn't necessary," he said, _because Cas already knew it._He forgot that it wasn't Cas anymore, and she doesn't know him as much as he does.

He couldn't blame Lisa. She had just been his assistant for a month. Cas had been his assistant for four years. He had already memorised him. He knows what he wants even without asking, he knows what he needs even if he doesn't, and he knows just how to handle him. Lisa doesn't. Not yet. He doesn't think that she'll ever be.

"I would eat anything with good meat in it," he said, the humour not seeping through the words.

Lisa didn't catch that. Cas always knew.

* * *

He thinks back to what happened. He has been thinking back ever since it happened.

The day that night was awkward. Awkward doesn't even begin to cut it. They avoided each others' eyes when Cas would usually stare at him to the point of discomfort. They shied away from the lightest of contacts when Dean's hands would usually linger on his shoulder. They only spoke when they needed to when they would usually talk about absolutely anything to pass the time.

"Dean," Cas said when the day ended, "I'm handing my resignation letter tomorrow. It would be probably the best for us."

_No,_Dean thought. "It probably is," Dean said.

They parted in bad terms. The air was filled unspoken words ample enough to form a disease-inducing cloud of pollution. It was almost tangible to develop limbs and choke him, and Dean did have a hard time breathing.

Cas left without so much as a glance or a wave, when he usually said 'Goodbye, Dean', with such a soft smile and twinkling eyes. He would shuffle awkwardly out of his office and look back one more time through the transparent walls before finally disappearing into view.

Cas left soundlessly. He couldn't even hear the tapping of his shoes against the floor. He walked stiffly, his head held up high as he stared ahead.

Dean didn't know that it was the last time that he would see him.

* * *

"You sure you're okay?" Sam said over the phone, "You don't sound good. Even Bobby says that there's something off with you."

"I'm really fine, Sam," Dean replied, chugging down his third bottle of beer for the night.

"Dean, I know that it's been a month—"

"Goodbye, Sam."

* * *

"So, Castiel, was it?" Lisa tells him the next day, "Your previous assistant, right?"

Dean looks up from the papers he was reading. "Yeah," he said, then he read again.

"Is there anything you would like to tell me about my performance? I was told that Castiel was your assistant for four years, and I know that old habits die hard, so if there's anything you would like me to improve upon, I'm all ears."

_I take my coffee black. Sometimes, I put two sugars and a creamer. Just sometimes, though. I don't even know when are those sometimes. Cas just knows. You have to know, too. I don't know how he knows._ _I usually listen to classic rock. Cas hums classic rock. I influenced him. He doesn't even notice that I did. I don't know what are you humming. Don't answer to my pop culture references. Cas doesn't understand any single one of them. You know about the_droids that you're not looking for _and_my precious _and_valar morghulis. _Don't tell anyone about the secret drawer with my Dr Sexy paraphernalia. Wait, do you even know where the secret drawer is?_ _Don't wear pea coats. Wear a trench coat. A tan trench coat, specifically. The type that will make you look like a holy tax accountant. Don't drive a Toyota Vios. Drive a pimp car. Cas drives a pimp car. And you know what? Be Cas. Can you be him? I don't think that you could._

"Nah," Dean says, "You're doing fine."

Lisa smiles in return. She might not be Cas, but Dean knows that Lisa senses that he's lying.

* * *

He regrets his stupidity every single day. He's not sure what he regrets more, the one where he told Cas that it's best for him to leave, or the one where he jokingly said that he loves him.

They were having dinner in their usual place. Cas allowed him a cheat day, so he ordered a double bacon cheeseburger deluxe just to spite him. Cas had his regular cheeseburger and milkshake.

They were talking about the upcoming Star Wars marathon later that night. Dean invited him to his place so they could watch together, and Cas agreed, like every single time when Dean invites him to watch movies in his place.

Dean thinks of that scene between Han and Leia. He thought of Leia's fear-stricken face before Han descends to be frozen.

He morphs his face into that same serious, fear-stricken one. He looks Cas directly in the eye and says, "I love you."

He expects Cas to stare at him stupidly, or throw a napkin to his face. He even expects him to answer 'I know', even though he knows that he won't, given his (embarrassing) lack of knowledge of pop culture.

What he doesn't expect is for Cas to hold his gaze for a second, only to look down after and fiddle with the hem of his button-down.

"I…" he says, then Cas finally gathers his courage to look Dean dead in the eye and say so softly that the words might as well have not escaped his lips, "I love you too, Dean. I have for a long time now."

Dean laughs. He laughs really hard, throwing his head back, and his face becomes so red and tears leak out of his eyes.

When he managed to compose himself, he finds Cas staring concernedly at him. There was something else in that look, something that Dean couldn't figure out.

"I didn't expect it," Dean said between a few after-laughs, "I didn't expect that you had it in you."

"I had what, Dean?" Cas asked, his face the epitome of a child who had just been told a puzzling math problem.

"That was a good one. A really good joke. Didn't even know that you knew how to act," he said, then he drank his beer.

"I wasn't kidding, Dean," Cas said, voice edging the lines of fury, "What I said… It's true. It's… It wasn't a joke. I do love you."

Dean placed his beer done. He hadn't been expecting this. This was completely different from the scenario he had been expecting, which involved flying french fries and laughter in expense of Cas not getting the reference. The reality, however, involved Cas looking earnestly at him. He looked hurt.

"I… I was just kidding, Cas. It was a line from Star Wars. Leia tells Han 'I love you', and Han answers 'I know'."

"How could I possibly know that it's a line from a goddamned movie? 'I love you' isn't exactly Star Wars-exclusive."

Dean wanted to bang his head. Cas rarely cursed and he was right. He was so stupid. "Listen, I—"

"I'm sorry, Dean," Cas apologised, looking anywhere but him, "I assumed and read into things too much."

"I'm sorry that I don't love you back," Dean said stupidly.

Is he really sorry, though?

Cas shook his head. "There's nothing to apologise for. Let's forget that this whole thing happened." He stood up and gathered his things in his arms. "I'm sorry again, Dean. Good night."

And he took his hasty leave.

* * *

It has been a month and two weeks since Cas left. He still thinks about that night. He had plenty of time to think about the things between them. People who know them teased them, while people who didn't know them mistook them for a couple. It was like being oblivious of the blinking neon lights hanging above their heads while everyone else pointed upwards so they'd see them, only that they didn't. Or more specifically, he didn't, while Cas did, because he knew that he loves Dean. _Loved_, Dean corrects.

He tried calling Cas, but the number cannot be reached anymore. He called Gabriel, but he told him to _don't bother me again because you hurt my baby brother you ape_ and _he already left for London to join our brother Balthazar the day after he resigned in your stupid company_.

There's nothing Dean could do after that. Cas wanted to run away, and he let him. If he didn't, it would just be the pot calling the kettle black.

* * *

Three months after Cas left, Dean was starting to warm up to Lisa. She didn't do what Cas did, didn't have Cas' quirks, and doesn't know Dean as much as Cas does—_did?—_and Dean realised that it's because they're the not the same person. He only realised that after three months.

They hadn't had any form of contact since then. Dean kept the resignation letter in his secret drawer, along with his Dr Sexy merch. His family and friends stopped bothering him, and Lisa stopped suspecting that he wanted her to transform into Cas.

She's slowly learning about Dean's preferences and habits. She sometimes asks things about Cas, why he left, what are the things he usually did for him, but Dean's answers remain vague and clipped.

He knows that Lisa has some general idea of what happened, though no one knows the specifics besides him and Cas.

"Dean," he heard Lisa say, "Someone wants to see you."

"I don't have anything scheduled for this time, right?" he said.

"He demanded that you see him right now. He said that it's urgent."

"Tell him that I don't have time for that," Dean said, waving his hand in Lisa's general direction, and got back to do his work.

"Even if it's Castiel?" she said.

His fingers stop moving along he keyboard, and Dean looks up at her with narrowed eyes.

"What?" he asked.

"Castiel… He wants to see you."

He breathes deeply. "Send him in. And clear my schedule for today."

* * *

The first thing that Dean notices is that Cas' hair was longer, so the first thing that he tells him is "Your hair has grown."

Cas chuckles. It was still the same voice, the same timbre, the same octave.

"Have a seat," Dean offered, and he is reminded of the countless times when Cas would just stalk into his office and plop down on the chairs unceremoniously.

"There's no need for that," he says, "I wouldn't be long. I just came to smooth things out between us."

"Oh," Dean said.

"I apologise for leaving abruptly. It was unprofessional of me, and I hated myself for acting in such a manner. I have also thought about those… things I said, and I would be glad to put them all behind us if we could start again as friends. I miss your company, Dean."

Dean looks at him. He takes in his unchanging appearance—tan trench coat, backwards blue tie, white button-down, and oversized blazer and trousers. Even the shoes were the same.

"Dean?"

Dean shakes out of his stupor. "Yeah, yeah, starting over again, was it?"

"Yes," Cas said, "If you want to."

"I want to," Dean says immediately. The _more than friendship_ part remained unsaid.

Cas smiles. Dean loves that smile. It's Cas' smile when something really good happens and he looks like an adorable five-year old who has just been handed a lollipop.

"Thank you, Dean. I hope we can hang out again soon. Your contact details remain the same, right?"

"Yes," Dean says absentmindedly. All could think of was that Cas is leaving again, and he couldn't do that. He won't let him leave this time.

"That went smoother than I thought," Cas confessed, "I'll see you around. It was nice to see you again."

Cas walks out of his office without the soft smile and twinkling eyes and one last look before finally leaving. Dean doesn't want this. Dean wants his old Cas, and more than that. Dean wants the movie marathons in his place, but with cuddling included, he wants eating in diners, but with holding hands under or on the table, he wants farewells at the end of the day, but with a kiss and promise to see each other again the next day.

And just like that, Dean knows what he wants.

* * *

Cas wasn't that far ahead of him. He's still by the reception area where a few office workers were hanging out. He doesn't care about his hatred for chick-flick moments. All he cares about is that he needs to have his Cas back.

"Cas!" he calls, and Cas looks back at him with wide eyes.

He walks up to him, invading his personal space on purpose.

"Listen, I…" Dean says. He can feel the eyes of everyone in the area trained towards them, and really, he doesn't care anymore. "I love you."

Cas stares at him with those blue eyes he has looked into a thousand times before. He replies, "I know."

They were laughing a few seconds later, and their foreheads touch out of their own accord.

"You just had to do that, didn't you?" Dean says.

"I had to watch it after that night."

"I have so many things to apologise for, Cas. I'm so stupid. I thought that—"

Cas kissed him. He felt his brains explode. He finally understood what those people were saying about fireworks when you finally kiss the one you like, and it hits him, that ever since Cas came to his life, he never kissed anyone else, nor had a one night stand with whoever was willing, or even thought of the possibility of dating the random hot person he sees walking on the street. It hits him, and he wanted to bash his head on the nearest wall for not getting his head out of his ass all this entire time.

Cas doesn't deepen the kiss. He breaks away, but he keeps Dean's face in his hands. Cas was grinning so hard he fears that his face might split in two.

"I like that gooey smile on your face," Dean says.

"This is not a gooey smile," Cas replies.

"So… about that coffee?"

"Yes. I'd like to have that coffee now."

Dean kisses him briefly and takes his hand in his, marching to the coffee shop they frequent with large smiles plastered on their faces.

He finally made the right decision.

* * *

Back in the reception area, Bobby hits the _send_ button.

"Did you film the whole thing?" Lisa asks him.

"Idjits were so wrapped in each other they didn't notice the cameras pointed towards them."

"Can you send the video to me? I only took photos," Becky asked.

"You give me those photos, and I give you the video," Bobby answers.

"Deal."

"Sam's gonna have the time of his life," Bobby tells himself.

* * *

Six Months Later

"I like that gooey smile on your face," Sam says in a deep voice mocking his brother.

"This is not a gooey smile," Charlie replies in a deeper voice to match Castiel's.

"Yeah yeah, you had your fill, now stop that!" Dean tells them.

Sam and Charlie ignore them. They were too busy laughing along with Jess and Kevin.

"So… about that coffee?" Sam said.

"Yes. I'd like to have that coffee now," Charlie said.

And they were laughing once more.

"I'm going to kill Bobby!" Dean said.

"Let them be," Cas said.

"C'mon Cas, these dicks are making fun of us every time we gather," Dean said.

Cas kissed the frown away from his lips. "Let them be," he repeats.

"I hate it how you can be so nonchalant about this."

Cas wraps his arms around Dean's waist. "I don't care about anything. I have you now."

Dean smiles at him. "Yeah, you got me." He leans in for a kiss.

Unbeknownst to them, Kevin is filming the whole thing, and behind him were Sam, Jess, and Charlie trying so hard not to laugh.

They're gonna have another material to mimic.

* * *

This ficlet was inspired by this: 9gag gag/a v0wdnZ

Thanks for reading. Please leave a review if you have time: :)


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